The Power of Eating Together

Reasons Why Eating Together Is Important from the In His Footsteps radio show

Five important ways family meals strengthen your child
How many meals together are needed
How to find the time
Simple meal ideas

Scroll to read the transcript. And links to more information.

Male Speaker:  Welcome to In His Footsteps with award-winning author, Margaret Agard, sharing practical tips for living a joy-filled life and amazing interviews with people who do.  Now, here’s Margaret.

Margaret Agard:  If you knew of one simple thing that you could do that would improve your kids’ grades or the grades of kids you know, keep them away from alcohol, premarital sex and drugs, would you do that one simple thing?  Today, you’re going to find out one simple thing.

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Today, you’re going to meet nutritionist, Martha Marino, who shares the one thing you can do that will improve every aspect of your child’s life and that is very simple, have the more meals you have together as a family, the better off your child will do in school and in life in general.  I asked her to share with us some simple ways to actually do that not-so-simple thing.

Martha Marino:  Okay, thanks so much for asking me to talk about this.  It’s one of my favorite topics.  And what the research has shown all kinds of things.  One is that when children and their parents eat together, they eat a better diet.  They get more nutrients that they need and they also eat from more of the food groups so they’re better nourished when they eat together with their families.  So there are a lot of nutritional benefits.

Margaret Agard:  And as a nutritionist, you’re particularly interested in that.  Now I was interested in how they acted like how they turned out as people.

Martha Marino:  That’s really, really important too.  That’s maybe even more important than just the nutritional aspect of it.  There have been a lot of studies, too, that have looked at things like getting in trouble with the law, less likely to do that with their eating together with their families.  When do they start smoking?  How often do they smoke?  Do they do drugs?  Do they drink alcohol?  They found that among teens, if they’re eating together with their families at least three times a week, maybe four or five is better, then they are less likely to be involved in that.  Girls are less likely to become pregnant if they’re eating often with their families.  So all of that is really, really important and that also says that with those type of things, if you can start the pattern of eating with your family, when the kids are young, even when they’re old enough to sit in a high chair or some moms breastfeed at the table so that habit is right there from the beginning.  It’s hard to start that when your kid’s a teenager, not impossible, but it’s something that you can do.

In fact, one woman told me that when she was a teenager, her brother who was older, when he was in trouble, he was doing drugs and skipped school, his parents decided to start eating together as a family.  They hadn’t done that before.  And they made a rule and that was, we’re not going to talk about what did you learn in school or did you go to school, but just to be together and she said that in time, although it was hard, in time, things worked out for him and their family is really close.  So that’s a real success story in starting when the kid is a teenager.

Margaret Agard:  Now, what was interesting I think about the studies is they looked at more than one factor.  They look at things like playtime and bedtime story time, and all kinds of factors to say what helps some children do better in school than others.  And they even looked at factors such as, are you in a 2-parent home?  Are you being raised by a single parent?  What’s your income level?  And the factor that seemed to make the difference was, how many meals are you having together?

Martha Marino:  That’s right.  That seemed to trump everything else.  And in fact, there have been a number of programs that have looked at how kids and youth are doing.  And they use the family dinner as a marker for family connectedness.  Internationally, that’s true, too.  The UNICEF did a study of how well kids are doing in different countries in the so-called rich countries and what they used for a measure of child wellbeing was how often did they have the main meal with their parents and they found that in all other areas, like academic performance and ability to read and so on, the main thing was how often do they eat with their families.

Margaret Agard:  So, forget about teaching to the test and it really does come down to what’s happening in your home.  Now, there were some warnings there about what you should talk about at dinner.  What you should avoid talking about at dinner as well?

Martha Marino:  That’s right.  It’s not a time for discipline or serious discussions that really needs to be saved for a different time where the kid does not really look forward to come into the table, but you can keep it happy and relaxed and light.  And often follow the lead with what the kids want to talk about.  They might want to talk about a show that they’re watching or a video game or music.  Parents tend to want to talk about upcoming plans for what the family will be doing like this weekend.  But the kids often have something that’s different.  They want to talk about – I know when my kids were growing up, I would listen to their radio stations when I would be driving to work so that I would have some clue about what they were talking about at the table.

Margaret Agard:  Right.  Because that’s our job as parents, our job as parents is to get to know our kids and to work with them.  In football games and watch my son – I despise football, excuse me.  I probably will get arrows in my back.  And I never did learn the game.  I never could figure out where the ball was and personally because I really didn’t care.  And I went to his games because he was interested in that and I think that’s what you’re saying about, when you’re at the dinner table, let’s make that their time.  You have plenty of time to chew your kid out.  You have plenty of time to talk about what’s important to you.

Martha Marino:  Yeah, that’s the rest of the day.  Another thing that’s important is to remember that the television is not a member of the family and to turn the TV off when you’re having the meal.  I remember one mom said to me that they used to have a TV at the end of the table and she realized she knew more about the people that were in the show than her own kids.

Margaret Agard:  Now, that’s what Oprah found out that sometimes like any new habit, it can be uncomfortable at first.  What was happening with Oprah, do you remember that?

Martha Marino:  Some years ago, that was a really interesting experiment.  She asked for several families to volunteer to commit to eating together with their families every night.  And she had everyone keep a journal.

Margaret Agard:  For a month and they had to stay at the table for 30 minutes.

Martha Marino:  That’s right.

Margaret Agard:  Yes.

Martha Marino:  I mean it’s not practical for all families to do that but it was still an interesting experiment.  And she had everybody keep a journal about how they felt about it and they were uncomfortable like you’re saying.  They’re uncomfortable at first having that much contact.  But by the end of the experiment, the parents were surprised at how much the kids really enjoyed it and really wanted to continue to do that after the month experiment was over.

Margaret Agard:  Right and I think as families, we often as parents are saying what can I do protect my child from getting involved in drugs?  I’ll have the conversations with them and I try to have a good relationship.  And this is such a simple – it sounds simple.  Doesn’t it sound simple?

Martha Marino:  But actually doing it can be a challenge.

Margaret Agard:  Why is it a challenge?  We don’t even know how to cook.  We’ve never cooked.

Martha Marino:  Yeah, that’s true.  Even though cooking is kind of a voyeuristic activity now at the food network.  A lot of people like to watch people cooking but may not know how to do that at home.

Margaret Agard:  Right.  Like I’d like to watch people exercise.  I think about well, I wish I could do that.

Martha Marino:  But it can be a good time even for parents to learn alongside with their kid how to cook.  We’ve seen the rise of cooking classes where it’s a mommy-and-me kind of thing.  A lot of parents really did not have opportunity to learn growing up, but it’s never too late.  They can learn now.

Margaret Agard:  Right.  It actually is a lot cheaper to make meals from scratch.  I know that people don’t like to hear that and some kids don’t even like it, like little kids really would rather eat macaroni and cheese out of a box than a real macaroni and cheese.

Martha Marino:  That reminds me of what a mom told me once.  She said, I heard you talking about family meals and so I decided that we were going to have a family meal.  I told my kids.  So I made spaghetti and I opened a jar of sauce, which is fine by the way, you don’t have to make that from scratch.  You could just open a jar, but, so we all sat down and I served the food and my son said, where is my meal?  She said, well, it’s right here.  And he said, it comes in a box.  So we need to rethink what a meal is.

Margaret Agard:  And if it does save you quite a bit of money, unless you’re just buying off the dollar menu and you’re a small family, there’s actually ways to not make it anymore work.  I mean it’s there’s no more work to cook instant oatmeal not in a packet.

Martha Marino:  That’s true and it really does save money when you’re doing batch cooking for lots of people.  And then you can just save some of it for another time as a planned over.  You don’t need to call it leftovers.  You can call it a planned over.  And so it is cheaper than purchasing separate things like hot packets for this child, and macaroni and cheese in a little container for a different child.  So it is cheaper when you all eat from the same pot.

Margaret Agard:  You’re listening to Margaret Agard with In His Footsteps.  Today, Martha Marino is sharing with you some simple tips on how to have more meals together as a family because the more meals we have together as a family, the better your children do in life.  It’s a protection against early sexual experiences, drugs, alcohol, and helps improve grades.  Research has shown this.

And remember, Christ ate with his followers.  Christ ate with his disciples.  The last thing he did with his disciples just before they went to the garden was to have a meal with them.  Meals are important.  The question is, how do you find the time?  So how do you respond to people about no time to cook or we all have to go to the soccer game and we have to be there by 6:30 for the practice?

Martha Marino:  Yes, busy schedule is probably the biggest barrier for most people.  And I think the first thing to do is to make it a priority and so you can be flexible around that priority.  So let’s say you’ve got a soccer match to go to, maybe you eat early on that day.  Or maybe if the kids have a practice, maybe you eat later in the day.  Talk with each other about what the schedules are and pick a time that works.  Another thing to keep in mind, I know you were saying that you like to purchase carrots and then not the baby carrots, but sometimes for some families partly-prepared foods can be okay.

Margaret Agard:  If you can afford it.  I think I was more concerned about her budget.  They were talking about budget big time than time.

Martha Marino:  Her budget, yes.  But sometimes buying partly prepared things like a roast chicken and then cooking a fresh vegetable and making rice or quick pasta that can be about too to make it quick and easy.  Another thing as well is teaching your kids skills in the kitchen, many of them really like to help prepare the families’ meals and it goes faster.  If you’ve got a kid who can either start preparing something before you get home from work or can do it with you.  So it’s key there to know what works at different age levels, like a young child can tear the lettuce, and then the older child you can teach to use a knife safely and that kid can help slice the vegetables for the meal.  So that can help be a timesaver, too.

Margaret Agard:  And I had a son, as a teenager, a couple of my sons loved to cook, loved to cook and they often would come in, it was easy for me – they wanted to take over.  They were the one to tell me I was doing it wrong actually.  I mean like fine, you do it.

Martha Marino:  That’s great.  I told my son when he was a teenager I said, now we’ve got to take Celia to her soccer game and so I have a late dinner can you make the brisket?  And I gave him the recipe, I had all the ingredients.  And the recipe said to cover the pan tightly with foil and when I came home, here was a pan that had a double layer of heavy aluminum foil with strapping case wrapped around it because he covered it tightly with foil.

Margaret Agard:  It said tightly.

Martha Marino:  We would still laugh about it but I mean he felt proud that he was able to make something that tasted delicious and they carry those skills with them into adulthood, too, if they learn that when they’re growing up.  Do your sons still enjoy cooking?

Margaret Agard:  Oh, yeah, actually, he had to learn to stop is what he had to do.  Because then he was working on his master’s degree, working full time, he had three kids at that point.  And he would come home every day and still make the meals.  And finally, a pastor said to him, you know what, you’re going to have to let your wife learn some things.  And she’s actually turned out to be an excellent cook.  She started real simple but she’s just excellent.

Martha Marino:  That’s a great story right there because it shows that it’s never too late to learn how to cook.  One of the things that can help some families is realizing that many folks just have a list of top ten menus that their family enjoys and so it’s great if you can keep those ingredients on hand.  If you know what the – even not that many, maybe six or seven menus that your family likes, if you know they like.  Meatloaf and mashed potatoes or some people always have taco Tuesday, but if you can make sure that you’ve got the rice cupboard or the frozen corn in the freezer so that you can easily and kind of brainlessly put together something that you know the family is going to enjoy.  That helps a lot.

Margaret Agard:  We’re talking about the studies that have shown that the children who are less likely to use drugs, less likely to get involved in premarital sex do better in school were the ones who had meals with their family, five or more times a week.  And the ones who did worse were the ones who had three or fewer a week, so four is kind of on the borderline.  Question is how can you fit in five times a week?

Martha Marino:  Yeah, maybe it’s not dinner, maybe some other meal works for your family.  How about breakfast or brunch on Saturday?  Maybe that works.  Or when you get home from church, you have a chicken or whatever you’ve got on the crock pot maybe that is your lunch when you get home from church.  There’s nothing magical about dinner.  And there’s also nothing magical about 6:00 for the dinner or it can be completely what works for your own family.

And there are a lot of kids who never eat with their parents.  That number is about 10 to 15% of kids who never eat together.  It’s important to move the needle on that.  But whatever parents are doing now, they can feel proud of maybe it is three times a week, maybe it’s two.  The thing to do is to find one more time during the week when you can all sit down together and then once that works for your family, you can move on to adding another time during the week that fits for people.  It can happen.

Margaret Agard:  You know I think you’ve made two important comments here.  In that movie, “Blind Side”, she didn’t even want a kitchen in her house and all their meals were take out, but they ate it together as a family.

Martha Marino:  That’s true and it doesn’t have to be at home or even at the table.  A restaurant can be the place where the family does talk.  Of course, it’s better when it’s home.

Margaret Agard:  You’re more relaxed.

Martha Marino:  That may not be realistic for some families.  As long they’re looking at each other.  What we did sometimes at home was we’d have picnics at home on the floor in the winter time just to do something different.  If you don’t have a dining table, you can turn the coffee table into a place to eat.  If you do have a table, move the bills and the clutter off the table so that you can actually use it as a place to eat together.

Margaret Agard:  That’s great information.  Is there anything else you want to say?

Martha Marino:  I wanted to tell more about school, like why eating together helps kids in school.  And there are a lot of reasons for that, one is that when the kids are around the table, they hear grown-ups use a larger vocabulary and older siblings and so that expands their own vocabulary because they hear those words and that then helps them to read better too.  And when there is talk at the table, kids can generally find a safe place, hopefully the parents are handling it well, where all ideas are welcome, but they’d find a safe place to practice expressing their ideas.  And that then gives them the confidence to speak up in class.  So they perform better in school.  And also parents are more likely to know about deadlines for homework, tests that are coming up, and ways that they can be involved with what their kids are doing in school.  So all those matter a lot.

Margaret Agard:  If you’ve just joined us, this is Margaret Agard with In His Footsteps.  Martha Marino is sharing with you one simple thing you can do to protect your children against drugs and alcohol addictions and to help them do well in school.  And that is the more family meals you have together, the better they do in those areas.

But what about this, how would you suggest working with teenagers as different and how a family can get the teenagers involved in this and you mentioned at the beginning the story of a woman whose brother was getting involved in things that parents do want him involved in and through starting to have family meals together that he actually began to turn his life around.  So it’s not too late.  But how do you do it?

Martha Marino:  It can be a challenge because often if teenagers have a car and can drive around to be with their friends, if they’re involved with after school athletics or clubs or youth groups, it can be a difficult time, but if you can talk through with the kid on what is it that we can eat together and mark the calendar.  Maybe some times it’ll just be 10 minutes when you are able to sit down together.  Maybe there are other times when you’ll linger.  But finding a time that works is important.  There’s a single dad who told me that what he and his boys would do on weekends when his boys were not with their mom but instead with him, they would all have pizza before they went their separate ways on Saturday night so that was something that they look forward to.  Another mom said that the time for their family meal was when the girls came home from dates.  And so they’d set curfew at this time and so they’d sit around and they’d have snacks and popcorn and talk about what they’ve done that evening in a positive way.  So that’s one thing that can work.

Margaret Agard:  Because it really didn’t have to be dinner or dinner at a set time.  It really is number of meals.

Martha Marino:  That’s right and something else, too, especially for girls.  Teenage girls find the family meal a little bit different than boys do.  It is a way for them to feel bonded to one parent or another.  And it’s an antidote to loneliness.  It’s more that way with girls than it would be for teenage boys and what they found that with girls who eat together with their parents more often are less likely to have weight problems, in either direction whether it’s overweight obesity or whether it’s anorexia and bulimia, and they feel that the reason for that is because they’re connected to a parent.  And they aren’t eating out of loneliness or starving themselves.  So one thing since girls are looking for connection perhaps the parent can say, well, let’s cook dinner together.  And so there’s the interaction before they even sit down at the table.

Margaret Agard:  Those are great hints.  Because those are all issues that people have is how am I going to do it? How am I going to fit it in? If I want to add more time – and just remembered, my dad always made pancakes Saturday morning.

Martha Marino:  Oh, really?

Margaret Agard:  Yeah, before we hit the road, doing our things, he was always making pancakes.

Martha Marino:  Working with teens, well I guess, to any age now is the pervasive use of phones and e-readers, and those laptops that everyone’s plugged into including the parents.  So it’s real important they have the benefits that are there for family meals to have interaction be, conversation together and being together but not people sitting down on the table with their own media device going on.

Margaret Agard:  So, right, not only turn off the television, but no texting at the table.  Mom and dad will set the example.  We’re all putting our phones off for this time.

Martha Marino:  That’s right.  That’s important.

Margaret Agard:  When I was growing up, I just like to read and there were no books at the table.  No books at the table.  And now it’s the same thing.  You just set your rule.  No, we’re here as a family to talk.  That’s great.

Martha Marino:  That’s right.

Margaret Agard:  Alright.  Martha, anything else?

Martha Marino:  Yes, do you mind?

Margaret Agard:  No, go ahead.  No we’ve got time.

Martha Marino:  There’s one other thing I wanted to talk.  Okay, I wanted to just mention how important it is to pass down family food traditions from one generation to the next.  And that it can be a time for the kids to know about their heritage whether it comes from an Italian family like the kids’ father’s family is of that tradition, my family is Scandinavian, and so passing on food traditions is really, really important to keep that going from one generation to the next.  And even if you don’t have a cultural tradition, you can focus on local foods and enjoy the foods that – did you say you’re in West Virginia?

Margaret Agard:  I did and when we first moved here, people would always say to us, hey, do you like squirrel and then they’d all go, squirrel gravy.  So I could say, squirrel gravy, um-um, but I haven’t ever actually tasted any.  And so finally a neighbor made them and actually it is good.

Martha Marino:  Well, so that’s a local food.

Margaret Agard:  Yes, it is.

Martha Marino:  Good for you.  Out here in the Seattle areas and (inaudible 0:25:25) and berries, so if you don’t have your own cultural tradition, you can do the local tradition with the foods that are right there in your area.  And something else I wanted to mention was just celebrating the dailyness of the meal.  My kids would bring something to the table from time to time whether it was this dandelion that my daughter found on the playground or the school paper.  We called it, talk about it bowl and they wanted to put a Lego project in there or something that they wanted to discuss.  Then they would just put it in the bowl as a reminder that that’s what we’re going to talk about and so that can be kind of celebratory thing.

Traditions are important as well, too, so some families start the meal by lighting a candle and then the child learns to blow it out at the end of the meal.  Some families say grace at the beginning of the meal as a way to start that time together, to settle into, holding hands or offering a prayer.  So there are ways that you can make the meal special without really taking a lot of time.

Family meal is something that moms really treasure.  There’s even data to back this up that moms – overwhelming majority of moms really enjoy the family meal.  And they view that as the main way that they feel connected to their kids.  They love having that time with their family, but it doesn’t need to be a burden on mom like you were talking about your daughter making pancakes.  It can be something where they’re preparing food together or a kid takes over part of the food preparation.

So, I would encourage moms to really enjoy something that they like for themselves and yet knowing at the same time, it’s doing a world of good for their children.

Margaret Agard:  I’m going to say one thing about crock pots.  I’m just going to say it.  Because when my kids were little, by the time the afternoon – late evening came around, I was so tired.  The thought of cooking just – and I had lots of energy in the morning, so that’s when I made my crock-pot meal.  But then later, as I went to work and I was driving kids’ places, I started doing crock pot meals at night and I just stick them in the fridge and the next morning, get them out and plugging it in.  So when we got home, it was ready.

Martha Marino:  One of the beautiful things about a crock-pot is it makes the house smell so good.  So when you come home, it’s so welcoming to have that wonderful smell of something hot and good to eat that’s ready.

Margaret Agard:  Okay, Martha, I think that’s it.

Martha Marino:  Thank you, Margaret.  Really enjoyed it.

Margaret Agard:  Thank you.  Okay.

Martha Marino:  Okay, have a good dinner.

Margaret Agard:  Remember family meals, the more you have together as a family, the better your children do in life.  One of the reasons I’m so excited about this and so dedicated to sharing it is because when my two youngest were teenagers and I was a single mom, I had been praying – not about them or anything related to that – but the thought kept coming to me that I needed to have dinner together with them every night no matter how difficult it was.  And I also started having Saturday breakfast with them, really tried to plan as many meals as possible with them.  And then years later, I read this study.  And so, this is true, I know it’s true.  Why else would God have told me to do that? It’s such a simple but effective thing.  I really encourage you to do it.

Male Speaker:  You can find out more about how to have the joy that comes from living each day for God while still keeping up with daily life in the book, In His Footsteps, how to be happy in every situation, available at the website inhisfootsteps.com or online at amazon.com.

Margaret Agard:  You can get more information on our guests and our discussion today including replays of the show at inhisfootsteps.com.  Thanks for joining us today.  I am Margaret Agard.  You can reach me at P.O. Box 52 Fort McCoy, FL 32134 or through my website https://inhisfootsteps.com.  I’m looking forward to hearing from you.  Be sure to join us next week for more practical tips on living a God-directed life and amazing interviews with people who do.

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